I’m almost 23 and I don’t know anything about love. Like the kind of love that’s shared between a man and a woman, or a boy and a girl (or a man and a man or a woman and a woman). No one’s ever taught me. And I’ve discovered, no matter how hard one may try, it is not something you can learn on your own. I mean, I know how to love someone. I know I can do that. It’s the other part. That part where someone loves me- that’s the part I know nothing about. No man has ever loved me back. So what I have learned to do is to reduce all of my loving feelings to, let’s say, the size of a ladybug. Now ladybugs are pretty easy to ignore. They are also pretty easy to squash. So this little trick of mine has proved to be quite useful; I either ignore, or squash my feelings. And then I even go so far as to logically rationalize this lifestyle I have created where no one ever loves me. They’re just feelings, people. It’s not real. It’s not reality. Having love in my life is not necessary! In fact it’s a distraction, a pain, and totally irrational…. But there’s always this moment where my feelings morph from a ladybug to this gigantic, mesmorizing hawk. With the most intimidating fucking wingspan I’ve ever seen. So, obviously, a little tougher to ignore. And quite impossible to squash. And at these times when my feelings have taken on the body of a hawk, you can find me running, breathlessly chasing after this hawk that I will never be able to catch. Until finally I give up and collapse. And curl into a tiny little ball in the middle of a neverending, wide-open field. And I close my eyes and embrace the darkness; all while feeling the warmth of the sun beating down on my back. But I close my eyes so tight that the warmth begins to fade away. The field begins to die. The ground turns to ice. And I lie there, naked, spread-eagle on the bare, frozen ground.
No man has ever attempted to tame this wild bird of prey.
The Cat
The cat. She grabs my attention for a moment. I reach out to pet her as she’s already leaving. But after teasing her with my touch, she turns and stalks back for more. Pausing briefly, but long enough to allow me to gently stroke her at first. Her lean body sliding gracefully through my grasp. Then I reach for her small, delicate face and she begins to nuzzle my hand. The point of her nose fits perfectly in the tips of my fingers. I ease my fingers over her brow-and she guides my hand below her chin. Her little mouth pirched high in the air. She lets out a low, short purr.
And then she is already gone.
you loved once. maybe twice, i’m not sure. you gave it all away to that girl. you gave it to her, and she ruined it all. she broke that wide eyed little boy. she stole your love and never gave it back. and now there’s nothing left for the rest of us. just a bitter, broken soul. grabbing at whatever he can get. in the darkness, blind, hands reaching, pawing, yearning, swatting, fighting to hang on to the sweet, supple body laying open wide on the other side of the bed. vulnerable. yearning for your bite. that hard sucking bite of love. it never comes. but where the love isn’t the sex is.
i’ve never known much of love. we say we don’t believe in it. but i don’t believe you. you only say that because you don’t love me. i don’t really mind, though. that’s what i’m used to. in fact, that’s what i like. not to be loved. unloved. i like to be beaten too. so if you want to, you can hit me. break me. i dare you. beat me until i bruise. i’ll carry the bruise like a soldier. the bruise will make me love you. i’ll love you enough for the both of us. burn me. go ahead. deeply. burn me til i twist and i scream for you to stop. cut me. make me bleed. the deep red of my blood smeared across your porcelain skin. scream back at me. yell at me. tell me all the terrible things you think about me. the darkest thoughts you have about me. go ahead, baby. yell them louder. threaten me. tell me that you have the power to take my life away in a split second. this fucked up twisted world we live in could all be over in the blink of an eye.
if that’s what it takes baby. for you to get your love back. i’ll do it. i’ll do whatever it takes to fix you. baby.
feelings of happiness as you unzip my dress and i know i can’t contest to the taste of you
clothes line the bedroom floor make sure to close the door watch out we’re about to explore something new
the heat is on so they say who say i say hearsay falls away make me make that sound you must have heard before
faster now no regrets it don’t matter where this scene is set loose control but don’t tell a soul
me - i fit in your hands and you fill mine let’s feed our mouths and fulfill from inside
just a poem.
this is such an awkward situation
i can feel the vibration
as my chest pounds from frustration
do i give in to temptation?
bona fide damaged goods
i’ll turn this heart into a block of wood
maybe then one day i could
turn a cold shoulder like the rest of you would.
What am I going to do when the last Harry Potter movie comes out?
The end of an era.
After I finished reading “Deathly Hollows” I thought at least I’ll still have the movies. But then the movies really started to suck. I just watched the trailer for the final movies. I’m glad they’re doing it in two parts. Just to drag out the end. I like that. I started reading the books when I was 12. And I remember when the first movie came out my friends and I were sitting in the audience and we figured out that the last movie would be released when we were 22 or 23. We swore we’d go see it together. And then we sat there lost in thought about what our lives would actually be like when that moment finally came. We had no clue where we would be or even what kind of person we would be. What would we look like? Who would our friends be? Where would we live? The possibilities seemed endless. I will always long to be that child sitting in the movie theater wondering what my life would be like years down the road. But right now I am on the other side. Reflecting on who I was. If I could have seen where I’d be today, would that little girl in the movie theater approve? Is this what I wanted? One thing is for sure, and this may not be the case for you, but anything I need to know about life I learned from reading Harry Potter.
something new is about to happen.
i can feel it. it’s like a wind has blown in a new direction. a fateful wind. let it carry me away. i’ll be like a bird. i’ll fly to the highest altitude, and when i get there i shall spread my wings as far as they go. then i will soar, i’ll ride the breeze. feel the air on my chest and in my lungs. i’ll let go. and see where i end up.
let go. don’t try to control. . those thoughts inside, never second guess. they’re yours, and only yours.
a new thought has happened.
